BAREFOOT BUTT

Spring has sprung 

Winter's gone (Pffft! Yeah, right.)

Time to drop 10 

And put on the thong

With the onslaught of the warmer weather, thoughts turn to summer clothes.  Time to lose the annual Christmas cheesecake butt and chocolate butter cookie hips just to keep the Hanes Her Way undies from riding up. Thong, my ass. Those things are just wrong.  How the hell do you walk with your underwear up your butt?  OK. If I looked like SI's Bar Refaeli maybe I'd think otherwise, but have you noticed she walks funny? 

Fellow blogger Longrooffan doesn't care about Bar Refaeli.  Nope.  He's more concerned with matters of science that's why he sent me the following info.

 Just in time for the skimpy clothes season, science has come through with a proven weight management method:  

Booze.  

Yup.  I'm gonna get me a big bottle of Barefoot Bubbly and a straw and watch my butt melt away.  Dr. Lu Wang from Boston's Brigham and Women's Hospital said it was OK.  Actually, what he said was that women who are relatively slim that swill down 15 to less than 40 grams of booze a day were less likely to become BMWs (Big Maine Women - figure out your own state acronym) as they age. 

This means there is no hope for Oprah 'cause she could suck down a gallon of Tangueray a day and she'll always see her butt without even turning around.

A short shot or a pony shot = 1 ounce = 30 grams.  I haven't calculated the alcohol value for a glass of Barefoot Bubbly yet, and I don't plan to, 'cause there's nothing better than cheap booze with bubbles so it has to be good for you. 

Watch out Melanie Nunez Fronckowiak, winner of the Best Butt Contest in 2008.  My Fronckowiak's gonna beat your Fronckowiak by the 4th of July. 

She walks funny, too.

Once you get over the photo above, you can check out Dr. Lu Wang's theory on booze and butts.  

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CLIPPINGS FROM THE FRIDGE: BAD HAIR DAY

Clippings From the Fridge is a weekly series found here every Monday, inspired by the Two Nuns, One Gun story. These are wacky true news stories straight from the insanity fringe of society. 

Cops: Woman Crashes While Shaving Bikini Line

CUDJOE KEY (CBS) ―A two-car crash on a Florida highway was caused by a 37-year-old woman who was shaving her bikini area while in the driver's seat, according to the Florida Highway Patrol. Her ex-husband was steering from the passenger seat.

Megan Mariah Barnes and her ex-husband Charles Judy were driving southbound Tuesday morning when they slammed into the back of a pick-up driven by David Schoff after he slowed to take a turn, CBS station WFOR-TV reports.

Barnes said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be "ready for the visit," trooper Gary Dunick explained.

Barnes and Judy allegedly drove another half-mile before switching seats. When they were pulled over, Judy claimed to have been driving. The trooper noticed burns on Judy's chest from the passenger-side airbag, which disproved their story. The airbag in the steering wheel apparently did not deploy.

Three passengers – a man and two women – were treated for minor injuries.

Barnes had been driving with a suspended license, just a day after being convicted in an Upper Keys court of a DUI. She was sentenced to nine months of probation, and her license was revoked for five years.

Now, Barnes is being charged with reckless driving, driving with a revoked license, leaving the scene of a crash with injuries, and driving with no insurance, WFOR-TV reports. She could face a year in jail if found guilty of violating her probation.

Judy was not charged in the crash.

This is beyond weird. She's driving with her ex-husband to meet her boyfriend.  Like that in itself is not weird? 

Apparently not weird enough.  

She's shaving while driving with the ex, Chucky Judy, steering from the passenger seat.  

Weird enough now?  

Nope.  

She rear-ends (how appropriate) a car, but keeps on driving.  WTF?  Didn't that hurt?   

Apparently not enough 'cause she keeps driving, then switches seats with Chucky Judy so he can be the fall guy. 

NOW is it weird enough?  

Only when you look at her face.  Maybe the agreement with the boyfriend is she shaves, he brings the paper bag to put over her head.  I can't begin to rationalize where the ex-husband fits into this.   

And I thought I had bad hair days.

Credits:  


WBZ.com

Send your true, wacky news stories with "Clippings" in the subject line to DebbieDoesDrivel@gmail.com

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CLIPPINGS FROM THE FRIDGE: LIFE SAVERS COME IN LOVE HANDLES NOW?

Clippings From the Fridge is a weekly series found here every Monday, inspired by the Two Nuns, One Gun story. These are wacky true news stories straight from the insanity fringe of society. 

Woman Says Her Love Handles Saved Her Life

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. -- A Florida woman said her love handles saved her life when she was shot entering an Atlantic City bar. 

Samantha Lynn Frazier said she heard two pops when she walked into Herman's Place early Saturday. The 35-year-old then felt pain and saw blood on her hand after she grabbed her left side.

Atlantic City police said Frazier was an innocent bystander.

Detective Lt. Charles Love said the gunman was aiming for a man who escaped with only a bullet hole in his down jacket. 

The shooter is described as a 5-foot-5-inch male weighing about 200 pounds. The suspect remains at large. 

Frazier told The Press of Atlantic City that 'I could have been dead. They said my love handles saved my life."

Frazier also told the newspaper that she had been "hollering" that she wanted to lose weight. She now said "I want to be as big as I can if it's going to stop a bullet."

Apparently Samantha Lynn Frazier is a few twists short of a Slinky.  If Sam had NO "love handles", the short square dude that couldn't aim, likely due to his own love handles being a hindrance, would have missed her completely. Sam now thinks she has the perfect excuse to increase her Twinkies and Doritos intake so she can make herself the biggest target she possibly can.   What logic.

 

Press of Atlantic City


Modesto Bee

Thanks to Wirecutter from Knuckledragging My Life Away who has shown me that the Modesto Bee is an endless source of wackiness.

Send your true, wacky news stories with "Clippings" in the subject line to DebbieDoesDrivel@gmail.com

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