"TEAR HERE"? TEAR THIS!
>> Tuesday, November 3, 2009
The world is filled with injustice. Starving kids in China. Religious oppression. Darfur. The Obamanations in this country are just as horrid. Because I have the Power of Drivel, I have decided to right the world of what is by far the worst injustice since Michelle Obama's collection of drape dresses.
What can be worse than that?
It's a stretch, but there is one thing.
It's a stretch, but there is one thing.
Ill-placed billing statement perforations.
*cricket*
Oh, come on! I know you were thinking the same exact thing! We need to band together and fight the horrific injustice of billing statements perforated .08 mm below the fold crease of the paper those suckers are printed on. Take my satellite TV bill for instance (please). I seldom watch TV, when I do it's the History, Discovery, and Learning channels, or a Bourne movie. Fifty bucks a month for crap. I've told Mr. Man if things get desperate here, TV is the first thing to go. Oh, the look of horror! No Patriots? No Red Sox? No Celtics?*cricket*
Bwahaha!
Anyway, those evil Damned Ignorant Satellite Hogs have misplaced perforation versus fold issues on the monthly billing statements they mail out in order to suck money right out of my dainty little hands. Just below where it says "TEAR HERE", are two folds. One is a real fold, the other is the perforation where you are supposed to tear off the bottom half of the statement. Damned if I can figure out which is the fold and which is the perforation. I used to end up with a ragged mess but now I just grab the stinkin' thing and rip. I don't care if it rips in half, rips off the whole left side, or looks like confetti when I'm through. I stick it in the envelope with the check and send it. Every month that check is cashed so what's that tell you about the necessity of tearing "here"?
Doesn't THAT frost your cookies?
Well it does mine and I loathe frosted cookies.
Well it does mine and I loathe frosted cookies.
I ask each and everyone of you for the month of November to shred your billing statements and stuff the shredding in the provided envelope, then fold your check into an origami vulture and place it in the midst of the shredding. Seal the envelope with duct tape, slap a stamp on it and mail it back.
Together we can make a difference!
NOTE: I do NOT want to hear about paying bills on line from any of you. Got that?
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14 comments:
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Deb!!!! You have finally done!!! Once I got past the "Obamanations" line... I had to stop and re-read it several times... then I laughed and laughed till I hurt something... but you have so called this one!!! I HATE THOSE FREAKIN BILLS LIKE THAT!!!!! Not only will I shred the bill, not only will I fold the check, I will make the check out for 1 penny less than the bill, then tape a penny onto the butt of the bird, then I'll not just lick the tab of the envelope, I'll cover it with packing tape... completely!!!! Blood will be shed on this!!!!!
By the way, Michelle does look.... ewwwww! Oh! It's time for my medication!!!!!!
Yeah, I'm with you. I used to try to tear it right at the perf but after like 2 times gave up and decided that they just get what luck gives them.
the perforations are better on electronic bills
I think Michelle's the best-dressed first lady ever, and sorta hot in a milfy presidential way, but I couldn't agree with you more about the damn perforations in bills. Do they ever work? I say we shit-can the space program and devote the billions we spend on that to improving our nation's perforation program.
Deb, you are 100% correct. The issues with our bills and the dotted lines is truly an injustice. I couldn't agree more! Nothing pisses me off more than when I have to re-fold the bill just to fit in the freaking envelope. I'm being serious!
An injustice like this cannot stand! I'm sure it's in the Constitution somewhere...
Claire: Speechless? YOU?
TJ: I have been folding enough origami vultures for the next 6 years. I am thinking of ways to "enhance" my message. Soaking the vultures in kerosene? Before mailing them, using them to pick up NutJob's lawn decorations. Michelle does look Ewwww.
Maelstrom: I am so glad I am not alone. Sometimes I actually hope the sucker tears off center, right over where it says "amount due".
Nooter: BAD DOG! Did you not read the last sentence IN BOLD PRINT on that post? No treats for you!
MikeWJ: "...the best dressed first lady ever"? JHC, Helen Keller could do a better job. "Hot in a MILFY presidential way"? Dude, she looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger in drag. Check out her hands in that far right photo. Friggin' ET hands. The only excuse for her appearance is that there are no mirrors in the White House.
CC: "Nothing pisses me off more than when I have to re-fold the bill just to fit in the freaking envelope." Therein lies the problem. You are catering to them. Shove the pieces in that envelope and call it a day! Rid yourself of such idiotic time wasting and join the revolt!
LL: It is in the Constitution, right under the part about the right to bare naked arms.
Deb,
That was hardly a lack of response from me. What I sent you was a perforated line. Electronically. GOTCHA!
MO is no Jackie-O, I agree, but I think she does have a fantastic wardrobe, as you and I have repeatedly hashed out in the past (well, except for those Bermuda shorts last summer...) They pretty much went over like a fart in church.
I suppose everybody is entitled to a Walmart moment. (Oops - I seem to be having one as we speak.)
Claire: Can I rip that perforated line?
Do you not see the three photos I included on MO? Is that part of her "fantastic wardrobe"? Good Lord they look like remnants from a Ralph Loren scrap pile. She's had way more than those three WalMart moments above, that's for sure. Funny how she wears dresses when she's the one wearing the pants in the family. And here I sit. The fashion queen of LL Bean.
Ha! I can't tell you how many times the fold vs. perforated line has baffled me.
And darn that fold, it usually wins!
I'm sorry. Dis thing. Dis "bill". It confuses me.
Maybe that's why Charter keeps calling...
Wearing dresses like that covers up her penis quite nicely.
Quirky: It baffles us all!
RG: Don't answer when Charter calls. Always keep 'em guessing.
Moooooog with 35 o's: So THAT's her plan! All she needs now is a bag over her head and she's good to go.
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